A Slander

by Anton Chekhov


Sergei Ahineyev, the writing teacher, was marrying his daughter to the teacher of history and geography. The wedding party was very successful. In the living room there was singing, card-playing and dancing. Waiters were running busily around the rooms, dressed in black coats and dirty white ties. There was the continual noise of conversation.

Sitting side by side on the sofa, the teacher of mathematics, the French teacher and the hotel manager were talking hurriedly and interrupting one another as they described cases of people who had been buried alive and gave their opinions on ghosts. None of them believed in ghosts, but they all agreed that there were many things in this world which man would never understand. In the next room the literature teacher was explaining to some other guests when a soldier has the right to shoot at civilians. The subjects, as you can see, were alarming but very pleasant. Many people who were not invited were looking in the windows from the garden.

Just at midnight the bride’s father went into the kitchen to see if everything was ready for supper. The kitchen was filled with the smell of duck, fish and many other delicious dishes. On two tables, the drinks were standing in artistic disorder. The cook, Marfa, a red-faced woman whose figure was like a ball with a belt round it, was hurrying around the tables.

"Show me the fish, Marfa," said Ahineyev, licking his lips. "What a perfume! I could eat the whole kitchen. Come on, show me the fish."

Marfa went up to one of the tables and carefully lifted a newspaper. Under the paper on a huge dish there was an enormous fish, decorated with onions, olives and carrots. Ahineyev gazed and gasped. He smiled. After standing a moment, he smacked his lips in complete happiness.

"Ah-ah! The sound of a kiss... Who is it you're kissing out there, little Marfa?" came a voice from the next room and, there in the doorway, the head of the school accountant, Vankin, appeared.

"Who is it? A-a-h! Delighted to meet you! Sergei Ahineyev! You're a fine grandfather, I must say!"

"I'm not kissing anyone," said Ahineyev in confusion.

"Who told you so, you fool? I was only... I smacked my lips... to show my... pleasure... at the fish."

"Tell that to your wife!" The face vanished, wearing a broad grin.

Ahineyev went red.

"Damn!" he thought, "That animal will go now and gossip. He'll make me ashamed in front of the whole town."

Ahineyev went into the living room and looked round for Vankin. He was standing by the piano and was whispering something to the hotel manager's sister-in-law, who was laughing.

"Talking about me!" thought Ahineyev. "About me, damn him! And she believes it...believes it! She is laughing! No, I can't let it pass... I can't. I must do something to stop everyone believing him... I'll speak to them all and I’ll show that he’s a fool and a gossip."

Ahineyev, still very worried, went up to the French teacher.

"I've just been in the kitchen to look at the supper," he said to the Frenchman. "I know you are fond of fish, and, my dear friend, ours is the best you’ve ever tasted! More than a metre long! Ha, ha, ha! And, by the way... I was just forgetting... In the kitchen just now, with that fish...a little story!

"I went into the kitchen just now and wanted to look at the supper dishes. I looked at the fish and I smacked my lips with happiness...at the look and smell of it. And at that moment, that fool Vankin came in and said:

'Ha, ha, ha!...So you're kissing her!' Kissing Marfa, the cook! What a thing to imagine, silly fool! The woman is huge and he talks about kissing! Strange man!"

"Who's a strange man?" asked the mathematics teacher, coming up.

"Him, over there - Vankin! I went into the kitchen..."

And he told the story of Vankin. "...He made me laugh, strange man! I'd rather kiss a dog than Marfa, if you ask me," added Ahineyev. He looked round and saw the hotel manager behind him.

"We were talking of Vankin," he said. "Strange man, he is! He went into the kitchen, saw me beside Marfa, and began inventing all sorts of silly stories. 'Why are you kissing her?' he says. He drinks too much. I'd rather kiss a dog than Marfa,' I said, 'And I've got a wife of my own, you fool,' said I. He did make me laugh!"

"Who made you laugh?" asked the man who taught religion at the school, going up to Ahineyev.

"Vankin. I was standing in the kitchen, you know, looking at the fish..."

And so on. In half an hour or so, all the guests knew about the fish and Vankin.

"Let him talk now!" thought Ahineyev. "Let him! He'll begin telling his story and they'll say to him at once, 'Enough nonsense, you fool, we know all about it!"

And Ahineyev was so pleased with himself that he drank four glasses too many. After showing the young people to their room, he went to bed and slept like a baby and, next day, he thought no more of the incident with the fish. But, evil words did their evil work and Ahineyev's plan was no help. Just a week later – to be precise, on Wednesday after the third lesson – when Ahineyev was standing in the middle of the teacher's room, talking about the nasty personality of a boy called Visekin, the principal asked to have a private word with him:

"Look here, Sergei," said the principal, "you must excuse me... It's not my business; but all the same you must realise.... It's my duty. You see, there is gossip that you are in love with that...cook... It's nothing to do with me, but... flirt with her, kiss her...as you please, but don't make it so public, please! Don't forget that you're a school teacher."

Ahineyev turned cold. He went home like a man burnt with boiling water. As he walked home, it seemed to him that the whole town was looking at him. At home, fresh trouble was waiting for him.

"Why aren't you eating your food as usual?" his wife asked him at dinner. "What are you thinking about? Missing your Marfa? I know all about it! Kind friends have opened my eyes! Oh!...you dog!"

And she slapped his face. He got up from the table like he was living a nightmare and, without his hat or coat, made his way to Vankin. He found him at home.

"You dog!" he said to him. "Why have you covered me with dirt in front of all the town? Why did you start this slander about me?"

"What slander? What are you talking about?"

"Who was it gossiped about my kissing Marfa? Wasn't it you? Tell me that. Wasn't it you, you dog?"

Vankin showed his shock in his face, raised his eyes to heaven and said, "God, make me blind and kill me, if I said a single word about you! God, take my house and home, give my children cholera!"

Clearly, Vankin was telling the truth. It was not him who had started the slander.

"But who, then, who?" Ahineyev wondered, going over all his friends in his mind. "Who, then?"